i am going to be okay

As I write this afternoon, there is a wild, raging thunderstorm swirling.

The skies are dark,

the clouds are heavy with moisture,

lightning is cracking near the window,

thunder is rolling.

I usually love storms.

They excite me!

I have flowers to plant,

the rest of the pine straw to put out.

I need to get the guest suite ready for Amanda who is coming next week,

but for some reason, I am almost paralyzed with fear.

It's been building all week, this anxiety of mine.

The hard, cold reality is, 

Bubba's passing has laid me low.

Don't ever think that the death of your spouse is something you over quickly.

As the days and weeks progress, the loss gets harder and harder.

The first times are composed mainly of shock.

You run on adrenaline.

You can't quite grasp reality.

You hold out hope that it was all just a dream and the horror will end, but it doesn't.

You do stupid things because you can't help yourself.

(I have thrown two very important checks away)

You reason with yourself,

 "If I could just see him, just talk to him one more time."

But I can't, and it's hard, and I cry.

I like the TOBYMAC#SPEAKLIFE quote above.

It is simple, short.

It speaks volumes to me.

MY ANXIETY IS LYING TO ME.
I AM LOVED.

I AM GOING TO BE OKAY.

I can handle that message.

I just need to believe it right now in the midst of this storm.

I am going to be okay again.

It's just gonna take some time.

God loves me.

My family and friends love me too.

I am thankful, but just very, very sad.

*Missing the one who always came to rescue me!

cathy