cathy's folly

I just woke up from a long winter's nap.

Starting the day before Christmas, my body began to shout at me...

"No more!"

Previously, I had worked like crazy to get ready for the festivites,

waking before 4 AM every morning and working like a machine until late in the evening. 

Decorating, shopping, wrapping gifts, shopping for food, cooking it...

on and on I went.

When Amanda and I had a knock-down-drag-out girl fight on Christmas Eve

 over something as frivolous as a name on a gift,

I knew I was finished.

I was no longer able to think rationally.

I realized then that I had done myself in just before the big day.

I don't know what I was trying to prove.

Bubba's death changed everything.

The one who helped me is no longer here.

I tried to do what I'd always done and I did.

But, when Christmas arrived, 

I was tired and sad and lacking in good cheer.

The effects of grieving are very real.

Some people just give up,

I overcompensate.

Do too much.

Don't recognize my limitations.

I could hear Bubba telling me during that time to slow down, rest, do less,

but I ignored his quiet voice in my head.

Hopefully, as I go into the next few months,

I will be able to process these mistakes that I made.

I need to accept that life as it used to be is over.

It's time for new beginnings.

The shock of Bubba's death took its toll on me.

I will never be the same.

That's okay!

I realized yesterday that I didn't take many pictures.

Telling!

I couldn't...didn't have the strength.

It's okay.

Amanda took this one of me in my Christmas pajamas opening Lucy's precious gifts to her grammy.

It really was a beautiful day.

I am so thankful that we were all together.

I ❤️ Christmas!

(even if I did almost miss it.)