golly I miss you bubba

Bubba's beloved lemon trees are blooming again.

He was supposed to fertilize them in February, but I don't know whether he did or not.

Too much fertilizer in the wrong place causes them not to produce leaves.

That happened last year.

He was excited to feed them right this year and watch them grow.

Should I fertilize them or not?

What should I fertilize them with?

Where should I place the fertilizer?

A little over two weeks into widowhood I am realizing just how much I don't know.

I think I am right on the cusp of a new beginning.

I've got a lot to learn!!!

This is just one funny story that caused a meltdown yesterday.

Bubba was my "Prep Chef."

When we hosted a large dinner party,

he always did all of the cutting and chopping.

I would put the recipes together and cook them.

We worked together as a team.

Yesterday David and Erika and the kids

 were coming out to my house to help me with some things I couldn't do myself.

They were to bring the Bar B Que.

I was to fix Potato Salad and Baked Beans.

Seems simple enough!

I decided to get an early start cutting up the potatoes.

In the afternoon I cooked them,

poured them up in the colander,

and poured my secret ingredient over them while they were still hot.

The secret ingredient is white table vinegar.

Instead of vinegar,

I poured my homemade cleaning liquid over the potatoes.

This cleaning liquid just happened to be in a gallon vinegar jug.

The smells of the cleaning liquid alerted my nose right away.

I knew what I had done immediately.

The cooked potatoes went down the disposal and I started all over.

cutting up more potatoes, which is not my strong suit.

Ya'll,

I lost it!

The tears came later and there were lots of them.

I wasn't just crying over the potatoes.

I was crying over all that I have lost.

Grief is hard.

It is unrelenting.

It hurts inside in places I didn't even know could hurt.

Two weeks later when the funeral is over and all is quiet I am realizing that I've never been to this place before in my life.

I don't recognize this grief.

It is new.

The lemon tree is starting over.

New life is appearing on each branch.

I will start over too.

There will be a lot of new beginnings for me.

I will get through this...

but, golly, 

I miss you Bubba.