tears in a bottle

I thought I just might make it through church this morning 

with my tears not making an appearance,

 but it wasn't to be.

They are always right there and it doesn't take much.

We sang Rock of Ages.

When we got to the last verse, 

I felt the familiar sting.

"While I draw this fleeting breath,

When my eyes shall close in death,

When I rise to worlds unknown,

And behold Thee on Thy throne..."

Bubba has done the above and it's very real to me.

I heard his fleeting breath and I saw his eyes closed in death.

All of a sudden I was back to that day,

kneeling before him,

trying to rouse him,

but he was already rising to worlds unknown.

I'm happy for him that he is with Jesus,

but I'm sad and I miss him so much.

God keeps our tears in His bottle.

(Psalm 56:8)

They are precious to Him.

I am thankful.

😢

new things

I went to see April this week.

April is my much-loved hairstylist and friend.

She worked her wonders once again on this "long overdue for care" old lady.

My friend is waiting for a post with a picture of the new me.

Here it is...

taken with my trusty Canon camera in my bathroom at home.

A couple of years ago Bubba started a hydrangea garden in the backyard.

This is the first one of the season.

It is small, but it bloomed, and I'm thankful and happy to see it appear.

Tomorrow will be three months since he left me.

I am surviving...making my way.

I'm putting on a big dinner party tonight.

Made another sour cream pound cake.

Set a beautiful table.

Life goes on.

Missing you Bubba!

There is a great big hole in my heart that still hurts so much!

just because i love

Amanda shot this picture of the cousins at the nature preserve last week

 while we were all together in Florida.

It took my breath away.

I'm sharing it on my blog tonight because I love it.

Walt is missing.💙

He stayed with the grown-ups.

So, so thankful for memories like this that last forever.

💙   ❤️ 💙💙💙   💙

some pictures from our trip

Jake and I kinda matched and he had just turned fifteen and there was this amazing tree that I just had to pose on so we decided to have our picture taken.

I  💙 him!

Blue hearts are for boys.

The kids collected these shells and I made a heart out of them and used a cool editing setting.

I ❤️ shells and I ❤️ the beach!

It was drizzling rain and the sky was gray and the ocean was kind of stirred up.

I ❤️ a good storm at the beach.

I have 7 grandkids and they are all growing fast and they make me laugh.

I ❤️ all seven of them!

❤️💙💙💙💙💙💙

God is awesome and worthy to be praised because He gives good, good gifts every day!

Jesus is the best gift!

I ❤️ Jesus!

bittersweet celebration

Yesterday was Bubba's birthday.

We celebrated down in South Florida 

the life of the man who held us all together.

He was a true patriarch,

 an irreplaceable leader, 

a much-loved member of the group pictured above.

It has been three months now since he left us. 

It is still so hard to fathom.

David and Amanda planned and orchestrated this event with me in mind.

It was my first trip without him...

the first birthday we weren't together in more than 50 years.

This is the year of "firsts" and we are getting through them one by one.

He would have turned 76

In all of the fun, the laughter, the feasting,

someone very special was missing.

Every one of us felt his absence.

Hold on tight to your loved ones.

Cherish each moment.

We certainly weren't ready for our dad, granddaddy, and my husband to leave us.

You just never know when that last breath will come.

We are surviving and slowly learning to live again without this very special man

that we all loved so dearly!

😢

loving God with all your heart

Along the road of life, we need God.

To find our way through the maze of this sinful world, we need guidance.

To make important decisions, we need His wisdom.

To understand truth, we need His Spirit.

To learn to love others, we need to watch Jesus.

To overcome sorrow we need His comfort.

To be who He created us to be, we need to submit to His will.

To fight Satan, we need His word because that's how Jesus overcame His temptations.

To live eternally with God in heaven, we need to believe that Jesus' shed blood saves us from the devastating power of our sin and reconciles us to our Holy God.

When a great tragedy comes out of nowhere on a Saturday afternoon,

 God picks you up and carries you until you can stand on your own two feet again.

How do I know this?

When Bubba died, God was with me every minute.

His word was familiar to me and I knew from the start that He would never leave me or forsake me.

From years of reading and studying and hearing God's word preached,

I remembered His promises.  

I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that He had me by my right hand

 in the midst of my sorrow and my greatly diminished ability to think clearly.

He is faithful and shows lovingkindness to the brokenhearted. 💔

Read His word daily!

You will see how much He loves you and you will grow to love Him too.

You will know His truth and that truth will set you free in your own time of grief to remember His promises and to claim them as your own.

You'll be prepared when the storms of life come, 

and they will come!

He is faithful to His own.

He wrote us a book you know.

It tells us all we need to know about "life and godliness."

When you really get to know God you will love Him and praise Him for all eternity.

happy things

Last week I promised you a picture of the newlyweds,

Anna & Robert.

Because of the shutdown out in California, they got married at home.

We attended virtually via Zoom on Erika's computer.

Everything about the wedding was beautiful...

simple and quiet but absolutely gorgeous.

I had so much fun talking to my sister Teri later about all the tiny little details.

We chatted for an hour and a half and afterwards I felt as if I'd been there.

Weddings are such happy occasions!

For the last eight weeks,

 David's family and I met here on Sunday mornings to have church.

We would gather at 10:30 for worship.

After, I would have Sunday dinner ready to go.

We would take our seats at the table to eat and fellowship.

That sweet time ended last Sunday.

Tomorrow we gather at our new location for services.

We plan to be careful using all the social distancing guidelines, 

But what joy to be able to gather corporately again with our brothers and sisters in Christ.

Below are two pictures of last Sunday here at my house.

That's our new worship center behind David on the screen.

We will be using every other pew but than's okay.

We will be together again as the church and that is the most important thing!

"And let us consider one another in order to stir up love and good works,

 not forsaking the assembling ourselves together,

 as is the manner of some,

 but exhorting one another,  and so much the more as you see the Day approaching."

Hebrews 10: 24&25

This will be one of many fresh starts for me as Bubba and I never got to worship together in this place.

He, I'm sure, will be cheering us on from heaven.

Praise God for all the blessings that flow from Him to us.

He is faithful and kind always.

His word is alive and able to change hearts and minds.

Jesus' shed blood makes everything right.

Believe!

roller coaster ride

I had to get out the tiny pieces of paper again.

My thoughts tumble out early in the morning after I've had my coffee.

You regular readers of my journal have followed my writings about the sudden death of my husband back in February.

You have seen the ups and downs.

These past days and weeks have been a "virtual" roller coaster ride for me.

Thankfully my "ups" are lasting longer than my "downs" the further I travel.

Hopefully, soon, I will level out.

God is teaching me SO much through this sorrow...

things I would never know outside of this trial.

I used to think that my main goal in life was to be happy.

To enjoy life.

To be carefree.

To avoid pain at all costs.

But none of those things lead to true joy.

True joy is only found in Jesus Christ.

True joy is having a relationship with Him that transcends all else in your life.

In Him there is great joy even in the midst of great sorrow.

In Christ is deep, abiding peace and rest in your soul.

Thank you, dear readers,

 for coming with me on this journey of sorrow.

Those of you who faithfully read my "words" in this journal 

probably know me better than anyone else. 

This is where I share my heart.

💔 (broken heart emoji)

Sometimes I have a fleeting thought that Bubba will get in touch with me...

that he will tell me all about the "present heaven" and of the glories that are there.

Sadly for me, he can't do that.

He has gone on ahead.

He knows things I can only dream of knowing.

I've written this before...

 I wouldn't call him back to this earth.

I rejoice with him every day that he is with Jesus.

For now, I read God's word and His truth speaks to me and I am satisfied. 

I look forward to the day I will see Bubba again in heaven.

 Oh, what a day that will be!

living in the light

"Every good and every perfect gift is from above,

 and comes down from the Father of lights,

 with whom there is no variation or shadow of turning."

 James 1:17

Some of my absolute favorite things...

flowers cut from my yard.

Little antique vases that belonged to my grandmother.

Sprigs of rosemary, my favorite herb.

I am loving these cool spring mornings and evenings.

Most days you will find me in the backyard digging.

Cooking.

I found my Grandmother O'Quinn's sour cream cake recipe the other day.

I made it in my beautiful mixer last Saturday.

It came out perfect.

It is David's favorite dessert.

Now Harry has asked for it for his birthday.

These cooking stories make me happy way down deep in my soul.

Just out of the oven and ready to savor.

Amanda sent me this book as a surprise in the mail about a year ago.

I loved it so much that I just finished reading it for the second time.

Beautiful words that I wish I had written.

I could have been the Marsh Girl living in isolation by the ocean.

It's not too late for me to do that you know. 😉

The morning sun streaming in through my closet window.

The way the sun floods my house astonishes me every day.

I stand there and thank God for His light.

I am living in His light.

God is light!

Light vanishes the darkness and the darkness flees in its presence.

All good gifts come from God.

Since losing Bubba He has flooded me with so many sweet, precious gifts.

Each one of you who read is a gift from God for which I am thankful.

@movingtowardthattinysliveroflight

@learningtogivethanksinallthings

@gratefulheart

 ❤️

a tiny sliver of light

These words came very early this morning.

I had to act quickly

as they flowed out of somewhere within me.

I wrote them down on two tiny pieces of paper.

Here they are...

Grief, for me, was a sudden plummet into a deep, dark place;

a place I had never been before.

Once I arrived there I stayed a while....

not because I wanted to but because I had to.

I didn't have the will or the energy to leave right away.

I was stunned at the horror of my despair.

At some point,

 I saw a tiny sliver of light shining above me and started climbing toward it.

That's where I am now,

Climbing toward the light.

That light is God's grace and mercy and I slowly started moving toward it.

Actually, God's presence never abandoned me.

He was with me all along,

but somehow He seemed far off, kinda like He HAD abandoned me,

but He would never do that because of His promise...

"I will NEVER leave you or forsake you."

I climb and then I fall back,

I try again,

 and at some point fall headlong back into the pit once more.

But now I recognize that pit of despair and realize that I don't have to stay there.

There is something better where the light is.

There is light and love and laughter and it is alright to be happy again.

Bubba would so much want that for me.

So I will climb and fall back until the climbing happens more than the falling back.

That tiny sliver of light will become brighter and stronger and draw me to the land of the living

and I'll be there until the Lord sees fit to take me home to heaven.

@livinginthelight

"Jesus said, I am the light of the world, 

he who follows me will not walk in the darkness,

 but will have the Light of life." 

John 8:12

what a happy mother's day

They know I love flowers so...

in they come in the back door this morning carrying this exquisite blush pink hydrangea.

Perfect, just perfect!

Lucy painted hearts on canvas for me in my favorite color,

the color of the ocean in the Caribbean.

 She also brought fresh jasmine which has made my house smell wonderful.

I need to find just the right spot for this beauty!

Amanda and Mark and Jake and Eli gifted me this bracelet which I love.

Gram is one of my most favorite names.

I used my mother's Desert Rose dinnerware for our Sunday lunch today.

I'll tell you what I made to go in these dishes tomorrow.

I picked some flowers from my yard for our Mother's Day centerpiece.

@feelinglikelifemaybeworthlivingagain

@findingjoyinbeautifulthings

@holdingtightlytothepeoplewholoveme

@havinghopeforthefuture

@gettingthingsdone

@findingmywordsagain

Life is different ~ life is still good!

wedding bells

Congratulations to 

Mr. and Mrs. Robert Stewart 

who got married this afternoon out in California.

Thanks to modern technology,

we were able to attend the wedding via Zoom right here in my living room.

Anna, the bride, is my sister Teri's youngest daughter.

Pictures of the happy couple are soon to follow.

❤️

thank Him now

"One of the best ways for a Christian to overcome anxiety is to vigorously give thanks to God. 

 Don't stress and worry!

Instead, bring your requests to God with thanksgiving.

 Supernatural peace is the fruit of gratitude and praise. 

Thank Him Now."

(Author unknown)

I'm hoping that my words and my pictures come back soon, but the above quote expresses my heart perfectly for now.

@workinghard

@comingbacktolife

@thankingGodvigorously

@readingHisword

@praying

Thank you to everyone who is still praying for me after all these days since Bubba left me.

I can feel your prayers deep in my soul.

It's what we do.

It is deeply appreciated.

❤️

getting through the darkness

That's how fast depression descends.

When joy inhabits my soul and there is finally a bright light at the end of this dark tunnel of grief,

it comes quietly and without warning.

It grabs ahold and sinks down deep and nothing can shake it loose.

It catches me by surprise although it shouldn't.

Depression is very familiar to me,

 it has been a frequent companion for many years.

The only help is this...

"Be still and know that I am God."

Psalm 46:10

As Spurgeon puts it...

"Underneath me I found the everlasting arms."

I've been resting in those arms and I'm getting better.

God is good ALL the time.

I found this verse in my searching yesterday.

It gave me great comfort.

This is how I get better...reading God's word...

believing the promises that I find.

"Nevertheless I am continually with You;

You have taken hold of my right hand. 

With Your counsel You will guide me,

and afterward receive me to glory."

 Psalm 73: 23&24

I love this picture...

God has taken hold of my right hand.

How perfect is that!

The God who made the earth and sustains it has hold of my right hand.

Such comfort!

❤️

reality

I guess it's normal...

The reality of Bubba's death is hitting me with a vengeance.

It's been two months.

I'm up and going but everything seems hard.

I've lost my words.

There is a part of me that died with him.

I'm doing stupid things.

My brain seems fried.

I feel empty and tired and sad.

My eyes cry.

My heart is broken.

My muscles ache.

There is nothing good about death,

but it is a part of life that we all must face head-on.

My words may come back tomorrow or it may take a while.

In the meantime,

 I'll wait patiently for Jesus to heal my broken heart with His love and truth.

😢

*photo by david

pulling in to Grand Turk Island

February 2020