what do i do?

I filled this pot with a roast yesterday morning.

Then I cut up lots of potatoes and carrots and popped it in the oven for two and one-half hours.

What came out was delicious.

We cook with propane gas.

One of the burners sputtered when I turned it on.

I had a moment of panic when I realized I could be out of gas.

I was also cooking green beans and corn on the cob.

Thankfully,

the meal cooked perfectly.

This morning I called the gas company and asked them to come

"Fill me up."

Those are the things that Bubba took care of.

Now it's up to me.

We need rain so badly. the lawn looks parched.

I have no idea how to turn the sprinkler system on.

Bubba put it on a timer to come on early in the morning.

I cannot find the instruction book.

What do I do?

I need my new printer set up.

I need someone to help me move the geraniums that have wintered on the back porch.

I still don't know whether to fertilize the lemon trees or not.

Trying to find my way in a maze of unknowns.

I think I'm doing okay but sometimes I just don't know the things I need to know.

This will get easier.

Praying for wisdom and knowledge of practical things,

for patience when I get overwhelmed,

and for a heart filled with thankfulness for all that I am able to accomplish.

love letter

Bubba and I were living in Washington, DC,

 on the 11th floor of a high rise apartment building overlooking the beautiful city.

 This was a brief, but extremely exciting season of our life.

I was leaving to drive down I-95 to Savannah 

where both of our mothers lay dying in a care facility.

 I was overwrought with despair. 

He sent me off with this note.

I found it yesterday. 

Why would I even entertain a single thought 

that He is not praying this same prayer for me even now in heaven?

And that He wanted me to read Psalm 143 this morning.

I love you Bubba!

❤️

the words i read this morning...

"Meanwhile, 

we on this dying earth can relax and rejoice for our loved ones who are in the presence of Christ. 

As the apostle Paul tells us, 

though we naturally grieve at losing loved ones,

 'we are not to grieve like the rest of men, who have no hope'

 (1 Thessalonians 4:13). 

Our parting is not the end of our relationship, only an interruption. 

We have not 'lost' them, because we know where they are.

They are experiencing the joy of Christ's presence in a place so wonderful that Jesus called it Paradise. 

And one day, we're told,

 in a magnificent reunion, they and we 'will be with the Lord forever.' 

'Therefore encourage one another with these words' 

(1 Thessalonians 4:17-18)."

Heaven

Randy Alcorn

"God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble."

Psalm 46:1

Do you see the comfort in these words?

The hope?

This is where I draw my strength.

This is how I face the next day.

This is why my hope is in Christ and nothing else.

This is eternal life!

"times such as these"

I think this quote from Martin Luther is very relevant to what is happening now.

This man was born in 1483 and died in1546.

He was a German professor, priest, monk, 

and a seminal figure in the Protestant Reformation.

A very aptly stated Christian response to the pandemic.

When you lose your husband and then have to be quarantined...

A lot to be coped with!

Lots of time to reflect and contemplate where I am and where I'm headed.

Thank You, God, that my life has already been charted out from the beginning of time.

You are sovereign over all!

Give us grace, O Jesus, for "times such as these,"

 that we may respond in a way that would bring honor and glory to You.

 That we would trust You for the future.

That we would rest in the promises of Your word.

That we would love others and help them however we can.

❤️

in the morning i will praise You

This verse sums up my life right now.

When I rise from my bed in the morning,

God is still with me.

He is all I need.

He provides what I need to get through each day.

He guards me at night. 

I lay down to sleep...

 He keeps me in perfect peace because my mind is fixed on Him.

Every person who ministers to me is sent this way by Him.

I praise and thank You this morning, Oh God, because You are with me in my sorrow.

To God be the glory great things He has done!!!!

❤️

church at my house

This morning I got up super early...

5:30 AM.

This is nothing new for me.

I am always so thankful to wake up and realize that God has seen me through another night.

When I put my head on my pillow, I ask God to protect me in this house alone.

Waking up safe and sound is always an answer to that prayer.

I got busy putting the finishing touches on our Sunday dinner.

I made my aunt's "All Good"  pecan pie,

Bubba's iconic rice, 

and my broccoli-chicken casserole that I made yesterday.

Yes, I've cooked all weekend.

I love it!

I had some of my favorite music playing while I worked.

(the time on the clock is not correct)

At 10:30 sharp we gathered to worship in the room where my TV is sitting.

David led us in prayer and singing and then we tuned in to the sermon that he recorded yesterday.

Strange times we are living in folks but what sweet fellowship we had this morning.

The sermon was perfect.

The meal was delicious.

The dinner conversation was lively and interesting.

And,

I did it!

 I cooked a meal from start to finish.

It took me two days, but still, I did it and enjoyed every minute.

One big step forward into my new life.

I love my family.

They take such good care of me.

My famous, delicious, broccoli- chicken casserole.

They all love it.

And,

as much as possible, I will always have flowers nearby.

Good cooking,

beautiful flowers,

children,

hearing God's word proclaimed

make life worth living,

even on the saddest of days.

🎕

And just to end this good, good day on a positive note,

I spent the last hour or so 

in my backyard 

dragging dead things from the winter to the front curb

 to be picked up and hauled away tomorrow.

I will sleep well tonight.

Bubba would be so proud!!

three o'clock on Saturday afternoon

I got gas in my car.

I shopped for groceries.

I am making a chicken broccoli casserole.

I am listening to the beautiful music of Fernando Ortega.

It is Spring...

the light has come back.

I have heard from friends and family today.

But,

the grief seems unbearable to me in these present moments.

It is the time that he died here three weeks ago,

Grief comes quietly and overwhelms before you recognize it.

It is heavy.

It permeates my soul.

There is nothing else to compare this grief to.

They tell me It'll get better but it hasn't yet.

"Jesus was a man of sorrows and acquainted with grief."

Isaiah 53:3

Jesus knows my grief.

Jesus is acquainted (familiar) with grief.

It was His constant companion.

 He understands how I feel. 

This soothes me because He knows that my heart is sad.

 He comforts me with His word.

To Him be all glory and praise forever and ever.

❤️

a word fitly spoken

Hello everybody...

I want to take a minute to thank you all 

for the heartfelt responses to my blog posts on Facebook since my Bubba died. 

I have read them over and over and I cherish each one.

Writing is one of my passions. 

 I have been greatly uplifted in my spirit by pouring out my heart in this way.

Hearing from you,

many of you more than once,

has carried me through a really tough time.

I call the gift of  your words to me a mighty outpouring of love.

My heart overflows with gratitude and love for each of you,

so many of whom loved and respected my husband.

"A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in settings of silver."

Proverbs 25:11

Kitty is Sirius Black.

He loves me very much!

❤️

only by faith

Everything changed in an instant.

It was an ordinary Saturday afternoon.

My husband walked out to the mailbox,

came back into our home and handed me my mail, 

walked up the stairs, sat down in his chair.

In the next instant, he was gone.

God took Bubba to heaven in the twinkling of an eye.

No struggle, no suffering.

Just like that, he went to be with Jesus.

While I was still trying to rouse him, he flew away to heaven.

For the last several years of his life, he had a passion for people's souls.

He spent much of his time sharing the gospel.

I have heard so many of these stories in these days since he left me.

From people scattered all around town in the most unlikely places...

Chick-Fil-A, the deli at the commissary, the State Farm insurance office to name just a few.

He loved to help others and looked for ways to serve.

He took such good care of me in my cancer ordeal...

always looking for food that I could swallow and enjoy.

He prepared me too, in so many ways.

He would run off pages for me to read from his beloved Martin Lloyd Jones.

Each night he came down to sit by me in my big white chair.

He would pray for me and our children, their spouses, and our grandchildren.

He would pray for those he had spoken with that day.

He would supplicate to the Lord for our church and our country.

He prayed fervently.

He truly was a man of God.

I love to think of him in heaven.

What he is seeing and learning.

The pure joy that permeates his soul.

I wouldn't call him back for the whole world.

He now knows what he knew here only by faith.

My heart rejoices for him.

golly I miss you bubba

Bubba's beloved lemon trees are blooming again.

He was supposed to fertilize them in February, but I don't know whether he did or not.

Too much fertilizer in the wrong place causes them not to produce leaves.

That happened last year.

He was excited to feed them right this year and watch them grow.

Should I fertilize them or not?

What should I fertilize them with?

Where should I place the fertilizer?

A little over two weeks into widowhood I am realizing just how much I don't know.

I think I am right on the cusp of a new beginning.

I've got a lot to learn!!!

This is just one funny story that caused a meltdown yesterday.

Bubba was my "Prep Chef."

When we hosted a large dinner party,

he always did all of the cutting and chopping.

I would put the recipes together and cook them.

We worked together as a team.

Yesterday David and Erika and the kids

 were coming out to my house to help me with some things I couldn't do myself.

They were to bring the Bar B Que.

I was to fix Potato Salad and Baked Beans.

Seems simple enough!

I decided to get an early start cutting up the potatoes.

In the afternoon I cooked them,

poured them up in the colander,

and poured my secret ingredient over them while they were still hot.

The secret ingredient is white table vinegar.

Instead of vinegar,

I poured my homemade cleaning liquid over the potatoes.

This cleaning liquid just happened to be in a gallon vinegar jug.

The smells of the cleaning liquid alerted my nose right away.

I knew what I had done immediately.

The cooked potatoes went down the disposal and I started all over.

cutting up more potatoes, which is not my strong suit.

Ya'll,

I lost it!

The tears came later and there were lots of them.

I wasn't just crying over the potatoes.

I was crying over all that I have lost.

Grief is hard.

It is unrelenting.

It hurts inside in places I didn't even know could hurt.

Two weeks later when the funeral is over and all is quiet I am realizing that I've never been to this place before in my life.

I don't recognize this grief.

It is new.

The lemon tree is starting over.

New life is appearing on each branch.

I will start over too.

There will be a lot of new beginnings for me.

I will get through this...

but, golly, 

I miss you Bubba.

this tree

I'd never picked out a cemetery lot before.

Bubba and I had talked about it, but it never happened.

It seemed as if we had a lot more life to live.

The task appeared daunting to me.

Planning a funeral and picking out a place for us to be buried was unchartered territory.

All of a sudden it became an urgent necessity.

It was the tree that drew me to the spot where I would lay him.

In the afternoon,

 our lot will be shaded from the sun by the beautiful shadow of this tree. 🌳

One day I will join him there,

but for now, I have to learn how to live again without my best friend and confidant.

Every minute I have something to tell him...

a funny story,

everything that happened the week after he left me,

that the geraniums on the back porch are outdoing themselves.

I want to know what he thinks about the cemetary lots, 

how many people came to his funeral,

how much everyone loved and respected him,

how the whole world has gone mad over the corona virus,

how it looks like "Bernie" will definitely not be president. 

(thank goodness)

I will see him again and I will talk to him again but I have to wait a while.

In the meantime I will stay here in the "land of the living" doing the next thing.

"And after this Abraham buried Sarah his wife

 in the cave of the field of Machpelah facing Mamre in the land of Canaan." 

Genesis 23:19

I adore You my Lord and my God

Because of the Lord's mercies, I am not overwhelmed.

He has filled my heart with His strength, His joy, and His grace.

If I were beginning this season of widowhood without Him,

I would surely falter and fail.

He is right here with me holding my hand,

leading and guiding,

straightening out the pathway before me.

My new journey is not random.

It has been planned for me since before the foundation of the world. 

What can I say?

I adore You my God and my Savior and Lord Jesus Christ.

You have done everything for me.

You are not about to forsake me now.

I am safe in your hands.

You yet have plans for me and I am ready.

Thank You for the helpers You have placed around me.

They are Your people showing me Your love.

They let me cry and they make me laugh.

They listen with unconditional love.

They tell me the truth from Your word.

They point me to You.

They know my heart and my fears and my sorrow.

I am richly blessed.

I am not alone.

I have everything I need for life and godliness.

Praise God from whom all blessings come.

❤️

I will sing of the mercies of the Lord forever!

happy birthday eli ~ 13

Yesterday was Eli's 13th birthday. 

We celebrated in spite of the fact that we had just buried Granddaddy the day before

because becoming a teenager is a momentous occasion.

We played our games and blew out the candles on his cake and opened his presents.

But....

if you look closely, you will see grief on these normally smiling faces.

I forgot to turn on the window lights.

Everyone was a little subdued.

We cried at the end of the party when we went around the room...

each of the twelve of us recalling what they most loved about Bubba.

Granddaddy would have wanted us to have this party,

Happy Birthday Eli.

I love your heart, your ways, your talent, your voice saying, "I love you, Gram."

🎂

the ones left behind but not without hope

What a precious homegoing!

The sun came out after several days of torrential rain to shine upon our celebration of Bubba's life.

Here we are,

 left behind to grieve but not without hope.

So many people came to share our grief and hug us close.

I want to thank all of you personally for the gift of your time.

For every text and message, card, phone call, and most importantly your prayers.

God is carrying us right now in His most strong and capable arms.

My heart is full of the blessings of the Lord!

❤️

"Precious in the sight of the Lord 

is the death of His saints."

Psalm 116:15

soaring

If you are a Christian suffering from great pains and losses,

 Jesus says, 'Be of good cheer.' 

John 16:23

The new house is nearly ready for you. 

Moving day is coming.

 The dark winter is about to be magically transformed into spring.

 One day soon you will be home ~  for the first time.

 Until then I encourage you to meditate on the Bible's truths about heaven.

 May your imagination soar and your heart rejoice."

Heaven

Randy Alcorn

William Henry Cleland

We will be celebrating Bubba's life and his passage to heaven as follows...

Visitation will be this Thursday evening, March 5, 2020, from 6:00 until 8:00.

Funeral ~ Friday morning, March 6, 2020, at 10:00.

Baker McCullough Funeral Home Memorial Chapel

7415 Hodgson Memorial Drive 31406

Savannah, Georgia

912-927-1999

Burial immediately following the service...

Greenwich Cemetary

Thank you to everyone for the mighty outpouring of love and support.

We are completely overwhelmed.

Cathy

I will love you forever and I will see you again

I lost the love of my life yesterday.

My heart is broken,

I have no words.

Please pray for us as the grief feels unbearable right now.

God is good. He is faithful.

His timing is perfect.

Bubba has seen Jesus!

I can't wait to join him in heaven!

Bless the Lord, bless His Holy name!

Bless the Lord and forget not ALL His benefits.

To God be the glory great things He has done.

To Him be glory forever and ever!!

❤️