the place inside of me that hurts

Last post I shared an article about anxiety.

The author's words touched the place inside of me that hurts.

The part of me that I will never understand.

The part of me that has to depend on God to get through the next minute,

 because I alone could never get there.

The pain that started 40 years ago.

I have tried every earthly "fix" for this malady and all have failed miserably.

Interestingly enough, I seem to be getting worse instead of better.

I know Bubba's death and the recent move have exacerbated my suffering.

Probably old age is contributing too.

God in His mercy and kindness has given me an intellectual knowledge of Himself

 and a saving knowledge of His Son Jesus Christ.

 These two things are all I really need.

I cherish His gift of faith.

I live in His moment-to-moment covering of grace.

I love His word from which flows all truth.

I live because of Jesus!

I know that He intimately knows my heart.

He is acutely aware of the suffering that goes with my anxiety.

I say all of the above to say...

My Heavenly Father has not yet granted me mastery over my fears.

I wait for that.

I am very aware that victory may not come to me in this lifetime.

I may suffer just like this until the day I die.

Heaven is longed for.

There will be no fear in heaven.

I praise Him for all of the ways He gives me the strength to get through each new day...

getting in my car and driving,

going to the tag office,

making a phone call,

going to the doctor,

inviting a friend to my house for a visit.

All of these things cause an immense amount of fear.

Like the article implies...

none of these fears make an ounce of sense,

but they are very real to me.

As the picture above so beautifully portrays...

I "do the next thing" whatever it takes,

knowing God has me by my right hand.

He has me where I am.

He cares.

He leads and guides.

I am safe in Him.

He provides everything I need so that I,

 every once in a while,

 have days that feel like what I am guessing "normal" feels like.

I'm not ready to give up yet!

Side note...I love to write this blog.

Who knows how this comes out of the mess that I am.

It makes me happy.

❤️

 

this could have been written by me

http://www.challies.com/article/some-things-you-should-know-about-christians-who-struggle-with-anxiety 

I'm sharing this because it blew me completely away.

I keep reading it over and over.

I could never have put this into words.

Finally, there is someone who has.

I thought I was the only one who suffers like this.

Maybe this will help somebody else at least feel that they are not alone.

Cathy

Breathe!

ginger ~ molasses cupcakes

Lucy made ginger~molasses cupcakes on Saturday.

She brought them over to my new place.

We ate them on the porch while listening to the rain.

They were delicious.

🧁

 Amanda will be my first "stay-over" guest.

She is coming next week.

I cannot wait!

Maybe we will go and look at a new car for me.

That should be a trip.

Two women and a used car salesman.

Walter turns six on Thursday.

All he wants is one of his Granddaddy's money bags with some money inside.

Bubba had several and I have given each one of the grandkids one.

A safe place to keep their cash!

Bubba was all about finding a safe place to keep his money!

@keeping his memory alive.

Sundays are such a highlight for me.

David is preaching through the Gospel of John.

I am reading JC Ryle's commentary on John throughout the week.

Life-changing truth!

Come join us at Hope Bible Church.

We would love to have you!

Joining together with other believers is one of God's grace gifts to us.

Best day of the week for sure!

This world that we live in is scary.

It is seemingly spiraling out of control.

Evil is desired and good is scorned and mocked.

Not many love God and seek His word.

No one much loves or even cares about their neighbor.

Just know, brothers and sisters, that God is aware of all that is happening.

He has not checked out.

He is working for our good.

He will prevail because He is sovereign over all.

Let us keep focused on the truth.

Jesus said...

"If you abide in My word, then you are truly disciples of Mine;

and you shall know the truth, and the truth will set you free."

John 8: 31&32

ya think?

Could this be the beginning?

Is it possible that the surveyors came last week and laid out my new home?

Could this stick with the orange plastic ribbons blowing in the wind mean that the process has begun?

I can only hope that my house on Hope Lane will soon appear.

Other than that piece of news I don't have much to say.

We are expecting strong storms this afternoon.

I just planted my Fiesta Bonita double impatiens while standing at the kitchen counter.

I went to the nursery earlier this morning in the rain to buy them.

That completes my porch garden for this summer.

I am so proud of the beauties that are growing there.

On Tuesday I fought the fight at the Tag office.

We finally got the probate done.

Now both of my vehicles are in my name.

More on that scenario later.

The Fam is coming later to put my new tag on for me.

Then we'll go grab dinner together.

Maybe seafood, maybe Mexican?

We'll see!

Oh well, so much for not much to say.

I never know till I get to writing exactly what I will spill out.

"Many, O Lord my God, are the wonders which You have done, 

And Your thoughts toward us; 

If I would declare and speak of them, 

they would be too numerous to count." 

Psalm 40:5

This God we love and serve!

My mind cannot fathom Him.

The more I and read and study His word,

the more I am in awe of Him!

❤️

 

this morning at 716

Although the overnight temps dropped into the forties,

it was bright and sunny early this morning.

My geraniums are thriving!

I was able to have a fire.

🔥

My bed is covered with ruffles.

I go bonkers over anything with a bow or a ruffle.

Ultra-feminine.

Perfect!

My guest room is ready.

You will have your own bath.

We'll have coffee on the porch.

I'm close to the beach.

There's a pool just over the way.

You are welcome always!

This song made me cry!

 

the gift of grief

I am learning to live with grief.

It is a constant companion...

always along on my journey through life.

The feeling of loss doesn't go away,

but you do learn to manage it as you grow and change.

Bubba goes where I go now.

His presence is ingrained in me.

When you were once "One Flesh" you will always be that precious entity.

Walk with me dear one.

Remind me of our life together.

Help me to always remember who we were,

 what we did, 

and what God gave us.

Precious memories!

The gift of grief to a sorrowing soul!

❤️

 

the pre-construction meeting

It really happened.

Yesterday.

Erika and I sat with the site supervisor

 at a table with the official blueprints of my new home spread out before us.

We went through each room with a fine-tooth comb,

 making sure that all of the details were correct.

We even had to identify where I wanted the internet and the phone lines and the USB ports to be.

Such weighty matters before us.

It was good to see all of the plans we had made months ago drawn up on paper.

This meeting reignited my excitement on this venture that I started just after Christmas.

The house, hopefully, will be laid out on the lot next week.

Things should start to happen quickly after that.

We'll see.

My recent move took everything out of me.

It almost did me in.

I am just now starting to feel fully rested, 

starting to get my zest for life back,

starting to be able to think straight,

starting to think I can live again.

Oh my! 

The bed in the picture...

I found this years ago on the internet.

It makes my heart sing.

I'm considering it.

Oh to sleep in those turquoise waves.

Yes!

What do you think?

Should I?

🌊🌊🌊🌊🌊🌊🌊🌊🌊🌊🌊🌊🌊🌊

 

outside in

I miss my yard.

Yesterday, I found myself wandering around my favorite nursery,

 just looking at all the flowers I could be planting.

Everyone who reads,

you know I loved my yard.

I will have another yard one day.

It will be smaller, 

more manageable, 

maintained by someone else.

But what do I do right now?

"I think I'll buy this pink geranium and keep it in my sun-filled apartment."

So I did and it makes me happy just to look at it.

Tomorrow I'm going to buy another one.

I will nurture and water and make myself think I still have a yard.

Tomorrow I have what they're calling my

Pre-Construction Meeting.

Wow!

It's finally happening just like they said it would.

(I was beginning to wonder.)

I will get to meet the Site Supervisor.

I will ask a thousand questions.

Yay!

I think they will break ground soon.

Only then will this dream seem real to me.

Thank you my Lord for all of these blessings.

"Blessed be the Lord

 who daily loadeth us with benefits, 

The God who is our salvation." 

Psalm 68:19

I worship you this afternoon because You are God to me.

I have nothing that does not come from Your hand.

You are my good, good God all of the time.

In sickness and death, You are still good.

There is never a time when You are not good.

Thank you for flowers and rain,

cool breezes,

good books,

comfortable and cozy places to rest.

Broccoli cheese soup and cinnamon crunch bagels.

Thank you for friends and family,

for grandchildren,

for texts and phone calls and emails and visits.

Thank you for forgiveness,

Your grace and mercy.

Thank you that Jesus died on the cross so that we can have eternal life.

Thank you for the hope of heaven.

Thank you that I will see Bubba again,

You are so, so good.

Jake gave me this candle for Christmas.

I saved it for my new apartment.

The whole space smells heavenly.

Thank you,

 my tender-hearted grandboy. 

👀 💙 U

 

my new home

In case you were wondering.

this is where I live now.

For the girl who fell down the stairs and broke her collarbone a week before move-out day,

I have a lot of stairs to navigate.

I never saw the inside of this place before I paid my first month's rent.

It was occupied.

I took it sight unseen because of the location.

You can imagine my surprise when I opened the door and saw these.

I have to walk up 27 steps to get into my living space.

To the poor men who had to bring my furniture up, 

I apologize.

It had to seem like a nightmare to them.

Getting groceries and cases of water up is a challenge.

So glad I have grandsons to help.

I love it once I get up here.

I feel like I'm living in a penthouse.

For the past week, I have had all of the windows open.

I am enjoying the breezes blowing in from over the river and the marsh.

It is paradise once you get up.

The stairs are good for me...

good exercise!

I am careful and take my time.

No more running up and down the stairs though.

Those days are probably over.

The downside?
Lizards love the outside steps.
They are darters and they are not afraid.
I am scared to death of them.
I have been spraying with deer repellent.
Since I sprayed,
 I haven't seen them.
I'm also a fighter.
The lizards will not get the best of me!

🦎

                                                                        

 

51

I just found another love note from Bubba.

I was going through some old file folders and there it was.

His favorite mode of communication was always

 Post-It Notes! 

This past Sunday would have been our fifty-first wedding anniversary.

What a timely reminder from him of how much he loved me.

I needed this today sweet husband of mine.

The stresses of life for your 73-year-old wife are abundant 

as I seek to navigate this journey without you.

You were so helpful!

You took care of everything

I miss you so much!

Cathy

❤️

 

what a day!

Archie turned 13,

Anna and Robert came to visit,

And I managed to pull off a sit-down dinner party for 10 in my new apartment.

@only by the grace of God! 😊

Happy thirteenth birthday Archie.

You are a teenager now.

I am so very proud of you!

You are loving, caring, meticulous, and always smiling.

I am so glad you are my grandson.

Porch seating.

I love my porch!

My daisy dishes made their first appearance in a while.

I still love them.

Nice to share my treasures with a new generation.

These boys...what can I say.

Life is so much more fun with you guys.

You make me happy.

💙💙💙💙

 

good news came today

I was beginning to wonder,

I was having second thoughts.

and then...

on my brand new phone named Twinkle,

there came an email.

Cathy,

just wanted to let you know that we have the building permit for your new home.

Maybe I'll do this after all.

Maybe I'm not too old to start all over again.

Maybe, just maybe this is really going to happen.

Did I tell y'all I'll be living on Hope Lane?

I'm excited!!!

 

Easter ~ a most blessed day

David and Erika hosted our Easter feast.

Good friends and family came together to celebrate our Lord's  Resurrection.

We had ham and red rice and pineapple bake 

and green beans and hash brown potato casserole and homemade bread.

There was not much food left at the end of the day

and we thought we had an over abundance.

If you count the number of growing boys in the picture you know why.

Candles and flowers and bunny-inspired napkin folding by Lucy graced the table.

Easter is a day to dress everything up a notch.

The day was beautiful.

Blue skies, green grass, leaves, no humidity.

If only every day could be like yesterday.

Dodger Smalls found his place among the shoes.

The children listening to David give instructions about the egg hunt.

There were still a few azaleas around.

Usually, they are gone by Easter.

David and Erika have a yard full of flowers.

It was David's first year to hide the golden egg,

The tradition started with my dad,

then it went to Bubba,

and now it is David's job.

He outdid himself.

We had to give major clues before the two golden eggs were finally found.

He was brave.

No one else wanted to dig in the trash can where this egg was hidden.

Probably because he had the biggest basket.

Daisy found a golden egg and chewed it up.

She had the most delightful first Easter ever!

Lu made an awesome carrot cake and adorned it with fresh ferns.

She can do just about anything!

"Every good thing bestowed and every perfect gift is from above, 

coming down from the Father of lights,

 with whom there is no variation or shadow of turning." 

James 1:17

💙💙💙💙💙💙💗💗💗

 

Jesus...

...our hope and the object of our faith.

He is risen,

He is risen indeed!

❤️

 

Jesus paid it all

This song perfectly explains what happened on this day over 2,000 years ago.

We sang it at Bubba's funeral.

I know he was singing along with all of us as he had just experienced the glories of heaven.

He saw by sight what we still have to see with the eyes of faith.

Thank You, Lord Jesus, for dying on the cross...

for giving Your precious life as a ransom for all of us.

We celebrate today!

It is indeed Good Friday!

It is finished, done.

Glory to God in the highest!

You are worthy to receive praise and honor and worship.

Jesus, You are the One.

The only One. 

Again, Thank You! 

 

if the truth be told

Yes! 

I do!

I find myself on this first day of April,

on this morning, 

three days before Easter,

 totally devoid of the usual trappings of the season.

I don't even have any recollection of last Easter,

and this year I am almost numb.

There is not even one little bunny anywhere in my apartment.

The decision to sell my house and move and build a new house and do all of the things that entails seemed like a good idea at the time. 

I got caught up in a frenzy and was carried along and now I am here.

  All of a sudden it is Easter and all I can do is cry out to my God, "Help me!'

No other words come.

My prayers feel selfish.

It seems almost like a reckoning.

You have arrived here out of a whirlwind.

 What do you do now?

That is the big question facing me today.

Oh, there's still plenty to do.

I have a huge stack of papers to go through,

boxes to unpack, 

groceries to buy,

dinners to cook,

gifts to wrap,

 birthday parties to host.

There is no lack of things to keep me quite busy.

But how do I calm my anxious thoughts, my fears, my wavering trust that I've done the right thing?

As usual, God spoke to me through His word this morning.

All of these precious truths are from Psalm 27.

"The Lord is my light and my salvation; 

whom shall I fear?

The Lord is the defense of my life; whom shall I dread?"

"Hear, O Lord, when I cry with my voice, and be gracious to me and answer me."

"Teach me Your way O Lord, and lead me in a level path."

"Wait for the Lord.

Be strong and let Your heart take courage.

Yes, wait for the Lord"

Honestly y'all,

could I have gotten any more direct answer to my feeble prayers this morning?

These verses spoke to my heart and gave me hope.

He is Risen!

He is Risen indeed.

That's all I need to know and believe this Easter.

I don't need bunnies sitting around.

I need His word in my heart and mind telling me the truth.

Thank You, God, for Your direct answer to prayer.

I'll rest here for a while...

as long as it takes!