"God makes darkness and it is night"

When Bubba died on the last day of February,

 I took solace in the truth that the days were getting longer. 

More light was on its way. 

 It was a good start to the process of mourning for my husband. 

That was then,

If you've noticed, the light is going away and the darkness is coming sooner. 

I've been dreading this loss of light,

 trying to grasp it,

begging it to stay a little longer 

but it can't.

These days and seasons and rotations are how God ordained this earth to be.

I am still meditating in Psalm 104.

These words have blessed my soul and given me so much hope.

This happens quite frequently.

God stops me at a passage and keeps me there for a while because He has something for me to learn.

This morning the lesson was to not be afraid of the darkness.

"Drawing down the blinds fo us, 

God prepares our bedchamber so we may sleep.

Were there no darkness we should sigh for it,

 since we should find repose so much more difficult

if the weary day were never calmed into night.

Let us see God's hand in the veiling of the sun,

and never fear either natural or providential darkness 

since both are of the Lord's own making."

Charles Spurgeon

comments on Psalm 104

Is this not an amazing array of truth?

Darkness and all of God's creation is sovereignly controlled by His own hand.

The lesson for me is to let go of my fear and dread.

The night is a beautiful gift from God.

It is meant to bring joy and rest.

God is good, always!

❤️

 

God has set a boundary

 The Psalmist speaking of the sea after the time of flood...

"God set a boundary that they (the proud waves) may not pass over;

that they may not return to cover the earth."

Psalm 104:9

I have been meditating in Psalm 104 for several days.

When my spirit is overwhelmed within me,

I find the only solace I need in the word of God.

I chose Psalm 104 because it was the next Psalm in my reading.

This is a beautiful work on the care of God over all of His creation.

It is lyrical and poetic.

It takes my breath away.

I have read it over and over.

I found a commentary by Charles Spurgeon on Psalm 104 on the internet.

I will share His thoughts on verse 9.

"God has set a boundary that they may not pass over;

That they turn not again to cover the earth.

That boundary has once been passed (the flood of Noah and the ark),

But it shall never be so again.

The deluge was caused by the suspension of the divine mandate which held the floods in check;

They knew their old supremacy,

and hastened to reassert it,

but now the covenant promise forever prevents a return of that carnival of waters,

that revolt of the waves.

Ought we not rather to call it that impetuous rush of the indignant floods to avenge the injured honor of their King, whom men had offended?

God's word bounds the ocean,

 using only a narrow belt of sand to confine it to its own limits.

That apparently feeble restraint answers every purpose,

for the sea is obedient as a little child to the bidding of its Maker.

Destruction lies asleep in the bed of the ocean,

and though our sins might well arouse it,

yet are its bounds made strong by covenant mercy

so that it cannot break loose again upon the guilty sons of men."

Oh, the beauty and magnificence of those words.

God is sovereign over all of His creation!

He is so worthy to be given praise and worship and honor!

Why would I think he won't heal my broken heart in His perfect time?

*I have this verse written in the front of the guest book at our beach condo.

singing in the shower

This is another song we sang at Bubba's funeral almost seven months ago.

I love it so much.

He did too.

I would hear him singing it in the shower quite often.

❤️

I read Psalm 103 several times this morning just letting it soak into my soul.

Bubba used to quote the first few verses to me all the time.

"Bless the Lord, 

O my soul;

And all that is within me,

Bless His holy name.

Bless the Lord, O my soul,

and forget none of His benefits."

Psalm 103: 1~2

I miss Bubba so much.

Some days much more than others.

Today I need his understanding, his support, his wisdom, his counsel.

I need his arms around me,

His hand holding mine,

His smile,

His love.

💔

 

Today the loss of my husband feels mind-numbing.

I'm trying really hard to "live in the light of all the love he left behind."

 

*song by matt redmon

 

about joy

Nehemiah 8:10

People ask me frequently,

"How are you doing, Cathy?"

I can honestly say at this point,

"I'm doing good."

I spend much time in God's word and in prayer.

I draw my strength from there.

I have much Joy in my heart.

It doesn't come from anything in this world.

My Joy comes from knowing God and Jesus and constantly filling my mind with His truth.

My Joy comes from being indwelt by the Holy Spirit.

My Joy comes from a deep faith and trust in the promises of God.

There is assurance embedded in my soul that God has me by my right hand.

  Joy is not giddy happiness.

I still grieve for Bubba.

I often feel lonely and sad and overwhelmed.

But I always have Joy.

This Joy gives me the strength to press on,

to keep running the race,

to keep a smile on my face,

to have hope.

This verse...

"All of my springs of Joy are in You."

Psalm 87:7

Joy that never goes away.

Joy that springs forth from God in my soul.

Joy that has no human reason. 

Joy

❤️

 

this boy...

Harry turned 13 on Tuesday.

I now have four teenagers in my life.

Jake is 15.

Lucy is 14.

Eli and Harry are 13.

Who would have ever thought!

Harry is handsome and smart and has those dreamy eyes.

Eyes are windows to our souls.

They tell stories to those who gaze within them.

Harry likes my pound cake,

corn on the cob,

my cornbread,

and coke a cola.

He loves lizards 🦎,

rope climbing,

running,

reading,

and his Grammy.

My only regret is that Harry's Granddaddy is not around to watch him grow into a man.

Bubba did love him so much!

We are praying that Harry will grow into a man of God,

A man who will love God's word,

a man of great faith.

It is an absolute pleasure to pray for all of these grandkids.

Happy Birthday Harry!

I ❤️ u!

 

grief that goes on and on

"There's a grief that can't be spoken,

There's a pain goes on and on,

but I know it's gonna be okay.

and I miss the olden days,

and I'm learning to love this time."

A friend of mine posted this on Instagram this morning.

It's from a song from the hit musical Les Mis.

It kinda touched my heart.

❤️

? do you think I can learn to love this new life that God has given me.

I'm trying hard.

Life can be good again, just different.

😍

come behold the wondrous mystery

This is one of the songs that we sang at Bubba's funeral.

When we sang it at church yesterday,

 it took me right back to the place where we were sitting before his casket saying goodbye.

Music does that you know.

It floods your soul with memories.

It is good to remember.

I sure do miss him.

He has gone on ahead.

He is cheering us on.

He will be waiting for us when we get there.

In the meantime, I press on.

I'm making a cake for Harry's birthday tomorrow.

The house smells divine.

I'm listening to the truth.

It is enough.

Ya'll, God is good...always...

even in the valley of the shadow of death.

there she goes

I awoke this morning with my day all planned.

I would do some errands and end up at the commissary to buy groceries

before grabbing lunch and heading for home.

I did my hair, got all dressed up, and headed out.

I didn't get far before Bubba's van made a loud noise like an airplane taking off and started chugging...

refusing to get going.

Not wanting to be stranded by the side of the road,

I turned around and came home.

I called David and he told me to call AAA, our roadside assistance help.

My family deemed my 2005 Honda unreliable some time ago.

It has been sitting in my driveway untouched for months.

"O Yay" I murmured to myself.

"I can drive the Honda."

Not in my wildest dreams did I think that would be a problem.

Friends, this is where my stupidity shows itself.

I couldn't even get the doors open.

The battery was dead and the whole electrical system was not working.

A car doesn't sit idle for months and then spring back to life.

Soon it began to dawn on me...

You aren't going anywhere today girl.

I called AAA.

They sent out two separate repair guys.

One recharged the battery on my Honda and the other hauled Bubba's van to the repair shop.

The whole process from start to finish took two hours.

I did get to drive my Honda to get groceries but that was all I did.

I was petrified it would leave me stranded.

It didn't!

I made it home!

All that to say...

I am awaiting a call from the repair shop.

I think it's the transmission.

 😟

 

keepers

It is a rainy Wednesday here in Savannah.

I'm sitting at my desk in my bedroom enjoying the storm outside of the window.

I have been busy today.

I'm starting to go through Bubba's library.

Every time he read a book and liked it he would buy a copy for me.

He liked to reread the good ones and he knew that I marked my books up.

That's how we ended up with so many duplicates.

I am narrowing down to one copy of each book to keep and giving the rest to David.

He will sell some and keep some for himself.

I am nowhere near finished with this task.

Thankfully, I am enjoying it!

The ones above are the keepers.

I came across these three books that are thrilling to me.

Ever since Bubba died I have been reading everything I can find about heaven.

I am almost finished with the first one.

God's Spirit is really ministering to my heart through these books.

At some point, I will probably move from this big house that I love so much.

I am starting the paring-down process.

Thinking about downsizing and all it will entail.

I have to start somewhere.

Now is the time.

Books make me happy.

I will keep a lot of them.

Reading on a rainy afternoon is the best!!

📕

 

all i have is Christ

 

exploding heads and other things

My Plumbago is overflowing the cast iron pot.

I think it is so beautiful in all of its imperial blue splendor.

It makes me happy and thankful.

No matter what's going on in our country right now,

my backyard is a sanctuary.

My friend cut my lawn this morning.

I asked him if 3 weeks was too long to go between cuttings.

He said no.

For that I am glad.

I'll file this one away under the heading...

"Things I have learned since Bubba left me."

There is a reason he always bought short hoses.

I decided right away that I would replace all of the short hoses with long hoses...

really long hoses.

175 foot long hoses.

Hoses that I could water everything in the yard with.

Big mistake!

I cannot manage 175 foot long hoses.

They get the best of me!

I bought two 175 foot hoses and got rid of the 50-foot hoses.

Sometimes I amaze myself with my level of stupidity.

Today I cook. 

I love to prepare a good meal every now and then.

Our family has always been a family who loves to fellowship together over food.

The last time I made this pot roast it looked just like this except it was in a pot

which I placed in the oven at 350 degrees.

Two hours later I began to smell something burning.

When I checked the roast in the pot in the oven I discovered,

much to my dismay,

that I had not added any liquid at all.

I'm being very careful today.

At least we learn from our mistakes.

This is my theory...

when Bubba died so suddenly my head exploded.

Six months later it (my brain) is trying to knit itself back together.

It's taking a long time but I am patient.

I will keep doing what I love and wait it out.

Maybe one day really soon I'll be back to normal again.

Who knows,

I may be an even better version of my old self.

 This is my own personal emoji.

Lucy designed it.

I have a whole range of "Cathy heads" to choose from.

This one conveys perfectly what I was explaining earlier about when my head exploded.

@getting better

@finding my humor

@learning new things

@trying not to let stupidity rule!

 

when i purchase rustic pink roses...

...when I bring them home and arrange them in my grandmothers's antique vase,

when they bow their heads,

they don't ever get thrown in the trash.

I flip them over to dry and then hang them in various places around my house.

Beautiful!

I almost like them better this way!

A few blogs ago I told you that I was thinking about slipping away for a week or two

over to Hilton Head to sit in front of the ocean.

That was before two more of my teeth crumbled away.

( a result of radiation)

Yesterday I went to the dentist to start my treatment plan.

The cost amounted to about what I would have paid for my retreat.

So there will be no beach for me this Fall.

Maybe, if someone cancels, I can retreat to our little condo at Tybee.

That doesn't look good though, because our little condo at Tybee has been rented non-stop since May.

Crowns are super expensive!

Oh well!

At least I didn't have to have a root canal!!!

When I got home from my harrowing time at the dentist,

 I was greeted with a home fire alarm beeping.

Just two weeks ago, 

if you remember, 

David had replaced all nine of the batteries 

so that I wouldn't have to worry about them going off 

and me having to get up on a ladder in the middle of the night to replace.

In my stupor and pain from the dental work

I spent about twenty minutes trying to determine which fire alarm was beeping.

Of course, it was upstairs.

I got the ladder and a new battery,

climbed up,

replaced the battery,

which caused it to start wailing at such a high decibel that my ears were hurting.

It wouldn't stop wailing no matter what I did.

So, I proceeded to pull that sucker out of the ceiling

leaving the wires dangling.

I figured,

I have seven more smoke alarms in the house in case of fire.

After that, I went and laid down for 30 minutes to collect myself and deal with my deadened and painful mouth.

I'm just so thankful this didn't happen in the middle of the night!

😁

Moral of the story...

I miss having a man around.

Period!

End of story.