amanda

She came yesterday...

We have talked.

cried,

talked some more,

ate freshly made strawberry shortcake with real whipped cream,

watched a movie,

slept, 

cloroxed all of the cat's essential items,

 talked.

and talked, 

and talked some more.

I ❤️ her!

if i

If I could find this house I would buy it and move right in.

I would furnish it with all my pretty things.

I would take my dishes and my pots and pans and I would cook things I catch in the sea.

I would find a place to plant a garden.

There would be a little beach town close by where I could get the things I need.

It would have to sell long-stemmed pink roses.

I would let my hair grow long and wear it in a bun at the nape of my neck.

I would put a swing and lots of rocking chairs on the porch.

I would cover the walls with my favorite books.

I would read until my heart grew content.

I would take long walks down the beach.

I would bask in the glow of the sun.

I would swim in the surf ~ I would ride the waves.

I would watch the sunrise every morning and then wait for it's setting at the end of the day.

I would sleep with the windows open so that I could hear the waves crashing on the shore.

I don't know what I would do with the boat.

Maybe plant some flowers in it.

I 💙 the beach!

how are you?

I get asked this question quite frequently...

"Cathy, how are you, no really, how are you doing?"

There is something about Bubba's sudden death that is incredulous to my human mind.

Being "gone in the twinkling of an eye" 

is hard to fathom here on this earth

 where we do everything we can possibly do to stay alive.

One minute he was here and the next he was gone...

off into eternity,

leaving behind everything he owned,

even me.

There is nothing to prepare you for this kind of leavetaking;

 nothing, nothing at all.

The question, "How are you" is so hard for me to answer.

In some ways I would say I'm doing fine.

I'm getting up every morning,

I'm eating and sleeping,

I'm doing my chores.

I'm interacting with people and working in the yard, and organizing things and cleaning.

I'm making plans and getting my finances in order and ordering my new life.

But,

this is the true state of Cathy right now;

I am broken in a place where I can't be fixed.

I want to go somewhere and have someone set what is snapped in two so that it can heal.

But there is no place to go, no place that can fix this painful wound.

It is a place that will eventually begin to heal,

but it will never be back like it was.

Bubba is gone from me for the rest of my earthly life and he is not coming back.

The good news is my faith sustains me.

I do not lament and grieve as one who has no hope.

My hope is in the resurrection of Jesus Christ and in His word.

Praise God for the verse pictured above...

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit."

 Psalm 34:18

So...

Cathy, How are You?

I am brokenhearted and crushed in spirit, 

but God is near to me and He saves me in my brokenness.

The part of me that is broken can only be healed by my Lord.

He is working on me now.

He is bringing healing to my broken heart and my crushed spirit.

He will make it hurt less and less in the days to come.

God is my only hope, my fortress, the one I run to when the pain is too much to bear.

In His presence, 

the agony of grief is replaced by His comfort and His peace.

❤️

*The note pictured above was stuck in this big pot of red and yellow Gerber daisies that are now planted in my backyard. 

They were a part of the amazing gift train that visited my home on our 50th Anniversary. 

The love and constant care lavished on me by all of you since Bubba's death...

the cards, and texts and flowers,

the meals and phone calls and emails, 

the donations to Hope Bible Church,

 the Gideon Bibles donated in Bubba's memory,

your thoughts and prayers and offers to help,

every word of sympathy and encouragement that was posted on Facebook,

all of these things are gifts from God to nourish and refresh my soul.

God has used His people to comfort me in ways I would never have been able to conceive of.

Thank you all! 

"To God be the Glory great things He has done." 

saying goodbye to a beautiful lady

"Aunt Louise" Futrell 

has been in my life for as long as I can remember.

She and her family lived four houses down on 35th Street.

She gifted me with a special lifelong friend,

Joy Loucinda, aka Lou.

This picture shows us celebrating her 88th birthday.

Lou and I brought our granddaughters to the party...

Look how little they were!

This gracious lady could cook some really delicious food.

When I taught third grade at Calvary Day School,

she was in charge of the daily lunch fare for the whole school.

I so remember on cinnamon roll day we could smell them cooking all morning.

We couldn't wait to get to the lunchroom to partake.

Aunt Louise was always there behind the lunch counter 

dishing up her amazing food with a huge smile on her face and a sweet greeting on her lips.

Today we celebrate her life and will see her off to her new home in heaven.

She passed away this past weekend at the age of 99.

She lived a rich, full life.

I thank God for her today.

I'm thankful that I knew her,

that I grew up with her right "down the street,"

that sometimes she seemed like a second Mom to me!

I'm thankful that she's not confined to a bed today,

that she is rejoicing in heaven with her Savior,

that Bubba has greeted her and they've probably had an interesting conversation.

I'm thankful that she gave me a friend like Joy Loucinda,

aka Lou.

Sweet memories!

❤️

how i pass my time in the shut down

I cook!

It feels so good to get in the kitchen and prepare large amounts of food.

Bubba did most of the cooking and I forgot how much I love making something delicious;

pouring myself into the task of creating a tasty meal.

I sauteed these shrimp for Amanda and me along with some sweet Italian sausage.

We split an ear of corn but wanted more.

A big pot of yellow squash with a few zucchinis made for a squash casserole that was amazing.

Food looks so beautiful in the pot, doesn't it!

Erika has been making bread for me.

I eat it every day along with my broccoli-cheese soup.

Y'all it is the best!

My best thanks are not enough for this yummy treat fresh from her oven.

This is my crowd pleaser...

Broccoli- chicken casserole.

The kids love it,

they ask for it for their birthday dinner,

served with Bubba's famous rice and Sister Shuberts.

The best.

I feel that I do my best cooking with a dozen long stemed roses on my island.

I also need a made by Lucy scented candle burning brightly.

Making my Aunt Clyde's pecan pie.

Our Easter Sunday offering was bountiful.

We had...

Honey Baked Ham,

My famous red rice,

Hashbrown casserole made by David,

Broccoli salad,

(we eat a lot of broccoli)

and,

my delicious pineapple bake.

The flowers were dropped off the day before by some friends from our church.

( you remember me writing about what happened on our 50th Anniversary)

Lucy, our 14-year-old who loves to bake, brought this dessert tray.

Chocolate bird nests,

Mini carrot cakes,

and, 

homemade marshmallows.

I am preparing now for our meal tomorrow.

Doing another beef roast with all the fixings.

Just wish that Bubba was here to enjoy it with us.

*Saturday afternoons are the hardest.

That's when he died here.

Trying to stay busy and keep from getting too sad.

Life must go on and it does.

Just need to keep on doing what I love and what he loved.

He would be proud of me I think.

❤️

this, very simply, is how i stay strong

"O God, You are my God;

I shall seek You earnestly;

My soul thirsts for You, 

My flesh yearns for You,

In a dry and weary land where there is no water.

Thus, I have beheld You in the sanctuary, 

To see Your power and Your glory.

Because Your lovingkindness is better than life,

My lips will praise You.

So I will bless You as long as I live;

I will lift up my hands in Your name.

My soul is satisfied as with marrow and fatness,

And my mouth offers praises with joyful lips.

When I remember You on my bed,

I meditate on You in the night watches.

You have been my help,

and in the shadow of Your wings, I sing for joy.

My soul clings to You,

Your right hand upholds me."

Psalm 63: 1~8

There is no better antidote to sadness than to read God's word and meditate on it's truth.

I praise God all day because He lavishes His grace upon me.

I am thankful that He is always with me shedding wisdom on every decision I make.

To God be the glory for all of the great things He has done!!

❤️

i cannot even...

...begin to tell this story without tearing up...

Happy tears!

Saturday was our 50th wedding anniversary 

and Bubba was not here to celebrate 

and everybody was so worried that I'd be so sad and cry all day long

and the morning started out with the tears flowing,

and I thought,

"Oh no, they were right, I AM going to cry all day long."

😢

Then

I heard something at my front door...

some very quiet talking and some movement.

I peeked out 

and there were eight members of a family from our church.

They were hanging this beautiful handmade banner that they had made and...

they brought this amazing pink hydrangea plant.

I cried the whole time they were here.

But wait,

the tears felt more like happy tears than sad tears.

They stayed their required "social distance"

and left as quietly as they had come.

I went back to my day getting ready for Easter Sunday.

And then, a little later, 

I looked out my front door and there was a gift on the bench

and flowers and cards and a book and a succulent garden.

Something was definitely going on!

Ya'll they came all throughout the day and even after dinner...

People quietly leaving a gift on my porch.

They didn't knock or ring the doorbell.

They simply placed their love offering on my bench and were on their way.

I spent our whole 50th wedding anniversary going to the porch and bringing gifts inside.

Children had made cards and colored pictures, 

wrote poems and letters.

There were beautiful cards with thoughtful notes.

There were pralines and doughnuts,

 scented soaps and body lotions,

 bookmarks and a bag full of goodies.

And there were flowers in all colors and varieties. 🌼

I have never in my whole life experienced anything like Saturday!

I have never felt more loved and cared for,

more overwhelmed with gratitude.

I never cried again that day.

It was a happy day! A perfect day!

The people at our church did this for me.

I will never forget these acts of love.

I have no idea how I will ever convey to these souls how much this meant to me.

If you read this please know that your loving care for me was heaven sent.

You made this sad day one of the happiest days of my life.

❤️

Amazing Grace How Sweet It Is!

do you believe this?

"Jesus said, I am the resurrection and the life.

 He who believes in Me, though He may die, he shall live.

 And whoever lives and believes in Me shall never die. 

Do you believe this?"

John 11: 25&26

This morning a dear friend sent me this text...

"Today we celebrate our risen Savior...

our way to our Father in heaven.

Thankful today for Henry's faith and secure eternity.

 Imagine his Easter this year in His presence."

Yes, dear friends, 

Bubba is celebrating Easter in heaven today with our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

 I can only imagine the joy he is experiencing.

He is more alive right now than he has ever been.

He no longer lives by faith but by sight.

He has seen Jesus.

Do you believe this?

this life we made

❤️❤️

April 11, 1970

Exactly fifty years ago at four o'clock in the afternoon.

I remember it as if it were this moment.

We were so young,

so naive.

This is my favorite photo of the two of us on our wedding day.

We were heading into our reception.

We hadn't even been married for an hour.

We were so happy.

There was a gentle breeze blowing.

He had hold of my veil.

We had almost 50 years ahead of us to love each other,

to make a family,

to have grandchildren,

to travel,

to experience all of the blessings God had for us together.

God planned our life from the beginning of time.

He chose Bubba for me and me for Bubba.

We were Cathy & Bubba.

We lived and learned and grew closer and closer to the Lord as we grew older.

He was my protector, my lover, my best friend.

God took Bubba from me suddenly exactly six weeks ago.

This loss is the hardest thing I've ever done;

but, of course,

 God is carrying me through in His loving arms.

Happy 50th Anniversary to the love of my life.

We had an exceptionally beautiful, exciting, amazingly blessed time together.

I know you are in heaven cheering me on.

I'll see you soon!

Cathy

❤️❤️

don't be sad, rejoice!

I was vacuuming and missed the doorbell.

As I passed the front door something on my front porch caught my eye.

On this day that Jesus was crucified on His cross,

a day filled with thanksgiving and sorrow over what our Lord suffered for us,

a day that my grief has felt extremely intense,

this amazing blessing was waiting for me.

A dear, sweet family in our church left this on my doorstep.

Just when I needed it most, 

when I least expected a physical blessing,

there it was, 

just in time to remind me...

 "Really Cathy, 

you are much loved, 

 you are going to get better,

you have everything you need 

in the work that Jesus Christ did on the cross that Friday so long ago."

It said, "Don't be sad, Rejoice!"

Their boys made the most beautiful card,

 and tucked away at the bottom of the bag were three of my favorite bagels, 

one of the few things I really enjoy eating since radiation.

I am continually amazed at the body of Christ,

 my brothers and sisters

at Hope Bible Church here in Savannah.

Thank You, dear Savior, for dying on the cross for our sins.

Thank You for putting joy in my heart in spite of the sadness,

Thank you for friends like these who brought hope and love to my house this morning!

Cathy

❤️

sharing the burden of grief

Lucy brought me a bouquet of camellias last week,

this one fell off its stem.

When I picked it up, somehow it's beauty made everything a little better.

Grief is always with me these days;

yes, it has set up a permanent residence in my heart.

But quite frequently during the day, 

God will remind me that life is still worth living, 

yes, living and thriving and enjoying the good things that

He constantly lavishes upon me. 

Bubba would want me to be happy, to enjoy the rest of my life, to sing songs of praise to our God.

I haven't told this story yet...

I was alone here at our house when Bubba went to be with the Lord. 

As the paramedics were taking him down the stairs and out the front door I said to myself,

"This isn't good."

I drove to the hospital alone.

I had called my brother and he and Sally were to meet me there.

I remember that drive.

I just kept praying that Bubba would live.

We had plans, things to do together, people to love and care for.

The doctor called me back soon after...

He spoke the dreaded words,

"We did everything we could Mrs. Cleland...

He didn't make it."

This is the point at which an amazing event began to occur.

My brother and Sally and I were in a very small, very warm room somewhere just off of the emergency waiting area.

I was what I think you would call "shell-shocked."

Then people started appearing...

Erika, the kids, and one by one, our wonderful brothers and sisters in Christ,

our precious church family.

Soon the room was filled with so much love,

so much empathy, so much compassion, so much grace.

God in His mercy surrounded me with His very presence in human form.

I will never forget that day, these souls,

these saints,

"who shared the burden of my grief

by simply showing up in the midst of it and grieving with me."

Every Moment Holy

This is a testimony of my close walk with God.

What the word of God means when it says, 

"I will never leave you nor forsake you."

Deuteronomy 31:6

God is real y'all!

Jesus is too.

He is my life and my song.

I will praise Him all the rest of my days.

❤️

"he went to sleep at his house and woke up at Home"

This was posted on Instagram by Hope Bible Church

 on the afternoon after Bubba's funeral.

These are the words spoken by Matt Davis, 

one of the pastors at our church, who gave a part of the eulogy.

I cherish this and place it here on my blog so that I can read it again and again.

On this glorious spring day, 

this first day of beautiful light and blooming after many dark, rainy days,

 we celebrated the life of Henry Cleland,

 beloved husband, father, grandfather and friend.

 If you knew him, you knew he was a man who highly valued his family and his faith.

 There is no doubt that he is truly celebrating with our Lord.

 A sudden loss like this is shocking for us,

 but yes, it was a mercy for Henry who went to sleep in his house and woke up at Home. 

We will miss seeing him at Hope every Sunday,

 but for the Cleland family, 

there is an even longer winding road of grief ahead. 

Let these words from Every Moment Holy comfort us when we cannot find the words.

O Father, 

we have suffered a hard loss and one that we cannot suffer alone.

 May we emerge in the months to come ~ even in our frailty ~ 

stronger than before, 

more deeply rooted in You, 

and more wrapped in the necessary arms of community. 

We thank you for the presence of friends who 

would share this burden of grief simply by showing up in the midst of it and grieving with us. 

We thank you for small mercies and kindnesses extended...

for the grace of thoughtfulness translated into the tiny details of life.

For beauty, O Lord,

 let us not lose sight in our grief of all that is yet bursting with beauty in this world.

 Let us not lose sight of the truth that we live in the midst of an unfolding story of redemption,

 and that even this loss of ours will have its counterpoint at the great restoration.

Colonel William Henry Cleland

May 21, 1944 ~ February  29, 2020

I love these words.

Thank you to everyone who has shared the burden of this grief by coming along beside.

There have been so many who have born this hard grief with us.

Thank you!

❤️

"others cut down branches from the trees"

Today is Palm Sunday...

the day we celebrate Jesus' triumphal entry into the city of Jerusalem.

Jesus was not approaching as a king on a throne hoisted high into the air...

He was riding on a donkey, a beast of burden.

He was going to become God's perfect sacrifice for our sin,

the sin of the whole world.

This was the official beginning of His excruciating, humiliating death on the cross.

It would be a week of sorrow, pain, tears, grief,

and the greatest act of love ever known or seen by man.

Jesus, by His death, burial, and resurrection,

by the shedding of His blood,

 would reconcile us to our holy God 

and provide eternal life to ALL who would repent of their sins and believe.

Yes, we celebrate today this truth.

The churches may be closed but there is great worship going on in the hearts of all believers.

God's word will always prevail.

It cannot be hidden or done away with.

It is the truth of Jesus obeying God's command to provide salvation for All of us who believe.

Hallelujah!

"And a very great multitude spread their garments on the road;

others cut down branches from the trees and spread them on the road.

And the multitudes cried out saying,

Hosanna to the Son of David! 

Blessed is He who comes in the name of the Lord!

Hosanna in the highest."

Matthew 21: 8&9

but not quite yet

This morning Amanda left to go back home. 

She has been my faithful companion, cohort, and best friend for these last five weeks

 since my husband and her dad left us to go on to his heavenly home.

It was right for her to go,

it was time,

it is the "next thing,"

but it ripped my heart out 

and caused more of those ever-present, just out of sight always, tears to come rushing out.

She has her life, her husband, her children waiting for her.

She can't be up and down I-95 every other week.

She can't be here with me indefinitely.

It was time for her to "go home."

But, humanly speaking...

I will sorely miss you sweet daughter of mine...

Heart of my heart.

That's Jake and my sister Teri in the picture.

Later in the afternoon, after the funeral, we visited Bubba's gravesite to gaze upon the beautiful flowers.

 We needed to see and contemplate that all was complete on this side of eternity,

that we had done everything we could do to take care of all of the" details of death."

We were together and somehow that made everything seem okay.

Now we move on into the reality of life without the best dad and granddaddy and husband in the world.

He had all of our backs,

he was our safety net,

he always knew the right thing to do, to say.

We will get better, all of us.

But not quite yet.

Cathy

❤️

fear is not from God

Fear is when we decide to take matters in our own hands,

when we decide to not trust God,

when we think that the place God has us is not good, not pleasant, intolerable.

God has not given us this spirit of fear.

What God has given us is the power of the Holy Spirit in our heart which enables us to

love God and love others.

He has given us a sound mind when we stay fervently in His word,

believing and trusting everything that He has revealed to us

and obeying His commands.

Walking through new widowhood and this isolation, 

I am tempted to believe the lie that fear is the right response.

But no, the Bible tells me it is not.

God, give me the ability to believe the truth of these verses today.

I will need Your power to obey.

I cannot do it in my own strength because my flesh is weak, but in You I am strong.

Have mercy on us dear God for we need You so much in these terrifying circumstances.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart,

and do not lean on your own understanding.

In all your ways acknowledge Him,

and He will direct your path.

Proverbs 3:5&6

❤️