happy halloween

The kids are coming out this afternoon to give candy to the trick or treaters.

I wonder if anybody will come?

Just in case they do, I have ten pounds of candy.

I will be cooking today...

Two beef roasts with potatoes and carrots,

(one chuck and one rump)

green beans,

corn on the cob,

(it cost me a fortune but the kids love it)

broccoli coleslaw,

and yeast rolls.

In addition to that,

I will be making fall cut out cookies.

Needless to say,

I will be greatly busy today!

🧡

 

8

Today marks eight months since Bubba left me.

It was a Saturday,

about 2:30 in the afternoon,

the same time it is now as I write.

It is raining.

I like to write when it rains, 

when I can hear the sound of the raindrops hitting the ground outside my window.

You who read have followed my journey here.

I have poured out my heart.

My innermost thoughts have been recorded.

I won't even let myself go back and read my words...

too intimate, painful.

They will comfort me later I hope, but not right now.

When someone snaps a photo, I see grief etched on my face.

There is a drooping, a sadness, even when I smile.

For the last few weeks, I have been in real, physical, tangible pain.

My heart sometimes races.

I feel tired but cannot drift off to sleep.

I think, honestly,

 that Bubba's death and all its ramifications is finally hitting me. 

It really happened, he is gone. I am left behind.

This was God's plan, His will for Bubba and for me.

I don't for a minute doubt that truth.

God has not forsaken me, not for a single second.

"His divine power has granted to me everything I need for life and godliness."

I trust Him completely.

I found this little daisy in what's left of my garden last week.

It was standing tall, all alone.

It made me happy and was a reminder that "beauty comes out of the ashes."

I stay in God's word.

I'm holding tight to His right hand.

 It's what gets me from day to day.

I am looking forward to forever.

It's coming you know!

just cathy

⚘

then you need to get them fixed

The backside of my house is surrounded by floor to ceiling windows.

When we bought the house,

we had some sophisticated window shades installed.

I never shut them.

Why would I? 

My protector was here...

what could there possibly be to fear?

Early darkness is coming fast.

.Daylight Savings time is ending.

It will be dark at 5:30 PM.

David and Erika said,

"Mom, you really should cover those windows."

I said,

"All of the pulleys are out of whack.

The screws have pulled out of the doors.

They don't really work.

They are definitely more trouble than they're worth."

David and Erika...

"Then you need to get them fixed."

(They tried to fix them for me but didn't have the expertise.)

Me...

"Oh no, something else I have to figure out how to get fixed."

So, I called the place from which we purchased them.

It took a while, 

but a very nice man came out and graciously repaired all of the damage.

And, get this, he didn't charge me for his work.

He said the fixes needed were simple and he was glad he could help.

Please use Phillips Flooring in Pooler if you need floor or window coverings.

Y'all, last night I felt so safe.

I felt cozy and protected and very proud of myself for figuring out how to get something else done.

Now the only thing not covered is my beautiful front door.

Maybe I'll use the old nails and a sheet trick on that,

or maybe I just won't worry about it.

Oh, one more thing.

Just when I was patting myself on the back, 

I opened a random letter to find that they had canceled my insurance on our beach condo

 because I didn't pay the premium.

I panicked and cried and texted David.

The insurance company was very gracious this morning and reinstated immediately.

I spent the night praying that there wouldn't be a fire or a flood at 321.

Thank you David for continuing to rescue me.

 

hope bible church

⛪

We moved into our new facility just a couple of weeks before Covid descended on our country.

That would be early March 2020.

It was soon apparent that we could not hold services in person.

All of this happened right after Bubba died.

He never even knew what hit us earthlings.

Somehow I can't picture him ever wearing a mask. 😷

After that,

our service went virtual and we met together as a family to worship.

I would cook up a big Sunday dinner,

we would sing our praises and hear God's word proclaimed and after we would eat.

It was a time of sweet, sweet fellowship,

but we missed being together with our brothers and sisters in Christ.

In early summer, we began to meet again,

with masks and social distancing.

It seemed like a dream then to get to "go to church" again,

to meet face to face!

So many reasons to rejoice.

Today we hit another milestone.

Sunday School started for all of our kids.

We are still wearing masks and we are still social distancing,

but gradually things are seeming a little bit more normal.

Walter was one happy boy.

If you look closely you can see that he got himself a sticker.

Very thankful for our church!

"I was glad when they said unto me, 

let us go into the house of the Lord."

Psalm 122:1

 

love

God's definition of love.

❤️

 

today i cook soup

I am making vegetable soup today.

Two big pots.

One for me and one for some others who love it.

It is Fall although it doesn't feel like it.

Hot and humid.

I know it's Fall because the leaves are falling in my yard.

If the leaves were not falling I would think it's still summer.

On that note,

my grass cutter friend is coming on Saturday...

maybe for the last time this year.

Anyway,

there is just something wonderful and beautiful about making soup.

I haven't added the ham yet.

Bubba always put sausage in his.

I don't do that.

I'm most excited about the okra and the sweet potatoes.

This is the Bible verse I memorized last week...

"I will hear what God the Lord will say;

for He will speak peace to His people,

to His godly ones."

but let them not turn back to folly."

Psalm 85:8

Definition of folly...

A foolish action, mistake, idea.

Stupidity.

O Lord my God help me to not turn back to folly.

I've done my share of that!!

😒

 

gus turned ten

Our Gus turned ten last week ~ double digits.

We celebrated him with a homemade by Gram Atlantic Beach pie.

We have progressed from fictional character cakes 

to their favorite dessert made by me.

This is a Key Lime confection that is topped with real whipped cream,

not the kind that squirts out of a cannister.

The surprise gift of the day was...wait for it,

a trip to Disney World leaving the next day with His Dad.

This was his first Daddy ~ Gus trip and he was over the moon excited.

He also got a Fit Bit watch from his Nonnie and Boppa.

I heard that he became obsessed while in the Magic Kingdom

with counting his steps.

This is the Lawn Dart game that we all love to play.

David won the big prize and Gus came in third...

he hit the circle with the highest amount of points and collected some money for his trip.

My house is all decorated for Fall.

This makes my heart happy!

Gus is such a joy!

He loves his Grammy!

He is smart and energetic.

He loves to eat.

He is a handsome boy with an inquisitive mind.

I am so glad that God chose him to be our grandson.

I 💙 Gus!

 

"our strongest emotions: grief and its silent partner depression"~

"Have you discovered,

 as I have, 

that our emotions upon becoming a widow have an intensity we never experienced before? 

Grief, loneliness, anger, disappointment ~ these are not new emotions to us. 

What took me by surprise was the power,

 the all-consuming grip, 

the sudden shock of emotion rolling over me, 

literally rendering me unable to function for a moment or sometimes longer."

This quote is from a book Erika got for me.

From One Widow to Another

by Miriam Neff

The title of this blog and the words above greeted me on the very first page.

Finally, somebody understands and has put into words my heart.

This past weekend was hard.

My computer went black screen again on Friday.

As I was looking through my texts to find my computer guy,

 I came upon the last texts between Bubba and I, just days before he died. 

As I read through the thread,

 the reality of my loss hit me like a ton of bricks.

Death is so final.

There's no going back hoping for a different ending.

He was here with me, real and strong, and in the blink of an eye, he was gone.

You don't get over a death like that in a hurry.

This book assures me that there is no set end time for grief.

I still compare my journey to a roller coaster ride,

and I have never liked roller coasters.

Highs and lows, ups and downs,

holding on for dear life,

many times screaming out for God to help me.

🎢

In the meantime...

My hope is in God's word.

My reason to keep living is our family and my sweet friends and being a part of the church.

My eternal life is in Jesus.

My joy is knowing I will see Bubba again.

*My computer got fixed this morning! 

I'm so thankful!

Things keep breaking and I keep having to figure out a way to get them going again.

I can only write my blog on this computer, 

and when I can't post it makes me sad.

I ❤️ to write.

Thanks for reading.

c

 

i secured my vote

I just got back from "securing my vote" whatever that means.

The little stickers used to say "I voted today."

I like that better.

I marked my ballot electronically,

printed it off,

and inserted it in the "ballot" box.

It literally told me that I had officially cast my votes.

I sure hope so.

 I was afraid to wait for election day, 2020.

Maybe then the crowds will be overwhelming and I would wear out and miss my chance to vote.

The whole process took about 45 minutes.

The back of my neck got sunburned,

but other than that, early voting was a painless endeavor.

Of course, bookworm that I am, I took a book to read and the time passed quickly.

I just hope my vote is really safe and secured and that my man will win.

As I was walking out I thought to myself,

How sad that Bubba will not get to vote in this election.

I miss discussing politics with him.

My Fall walking shoes!

 

3 poster bed

I had always wanted a four-poster bed.

A four-poster-bed is romantic,

Traditional,

Old Fashioned.

Beautiful, like a single string of pearls around your neck.

It is understated elegance.

When we moved into this house seven years ago,

Bubba let me purchase a four-poster bed.

Every night when I climb in I feel like a princess.

Surely all princesses sleep in four-poster beds!

I like to watch HGTV.

The problem is, though, the houses that are fixer-uppers

all end up looking exactly the same in various shades of white and gray.

Sleek modern lines,

open concept, 

good flow.

Basically one big room with all of the walls taken down.

I like spaces and warmth and color.

Why do I watch?

Because really, on TV, there is nothing else to watch.

I just need one hour to unwind in front of a show and then I drift off to my four-poster bed.

Except, and you may have noticed,

I now have a three-poster bed.

Seems as if my sweet, loving grandbabies love to hang onto the posts,

Nothing crazy, just kinda hanging there talking and laughing,

Several years of this has caused the screw to strip the wood.

One morning I found the right post leaning precariously.

Rather than tout disaster,

 I removed the post to the corner of my bedroom.

Which brings me to this conclusion.

I really need a handyman.

David can't fix it.

 Erika would probably come closer to being able to.

Maybe I could ask my lawn man.

If it is unrepairable

 I will have to start loving my three-poster bed.

🍂Fall bed.

I love how the light falls gently through the windows on these Autumn afternoons.

Light is everything.

Jesus is the light of the world.

 In Him there is no darkness at all,

 

falling

Grief comes and goes now.

Today it came.

Monday is workday for me...always has been.

I stay home and clean my house and wash my clothes and change my sheets and make the bathrooms sparkle and vacuum

and fold my clothes and put them away.

As I was working this morning, I was struck with these questions...

How am I living my life without Bubba?

How is it possible that he is no longer here with me?

Where is my companion, 

my friend, 

the one who helps me with the "man" things,

my dinner partner,

the one who always took such good care of me?

I still can't believe he's gone.

Sometimes at night, I imagine that he is upstairs looking at a Braves game.

And then I remember he is not upstairs.

I am alone...

trying to figure out life without him.

It is hard.

Nothing can prepare you for this loss.

Nothing.

Grief is like falling into a deep dark hole and then trying to climb out.

You can see the light but it's hard to reach it.

You get close and then you fall back.

again and again.

One of life's hardest trials.

The cold hard truth is that I miss him terribly every day.

Could it be getting harder?

Yes.

Will it get better?

Probably.

Will I keep climbing?

Yes.

💔

This is the verse that I memorized for Bible study tomorrow...

"You, however, 

continue in the things you have learned and been convinced of,

 knowing from whom you have learned them."

2 Timothy 3:14

I love that verse.

 God's word is where I stay.

It is a continuous fountain of blessings for me.

 

when they were littles

This memory popped up on Facebook this morning!

I just had to share.

I hope your Sunday is restful and full of the joy of the Lord.

💙❤️💙

Cathy

 

amanda

My daughter, my friend!

I am so very thankful for her.

She is cherished and loved.

She has the strong character traits of her Dad.

She doesn't let me get away with much.

She makes me laugh.

She has gotten me through my most difficult days since her Dad died.

She has taken care of me.

She has given so much of herself.

She tells me the straight, hard truth.

She has protected me.

She has loved me unselfishly.

What a gift from God!

❤️

Before my computer scared me to death last week,

 I was going to try to blog every day for the month of October.

 That didn't get off to such a good start, did it?

 

 

and the other thing...

Saturday night suppers are the best.

The kids come through the door like gangbusters.

The excitement is palatable.

Everyone gets a hug and a greeting.

Their arrival is one of my favorite things.

It's the beginning of a couple of hours of" lovely" mass pandemonium.

There are five of them you know.

Harry, the just turned thirteen-year-old, 

has always loved my Snow Village scenes.

Every year I place the houses on my hutch and leave the little figures for him to arrange. 

I had them on the table in the fireplace room, out of sight.

In my mind, they would ride their scooters outside for a bit while I pulled everything together.

Little did I know but maybe I should have!

My meal was almost ready to serve.

David and Erika came early to help me turn the mattress on my bed,

 so I got caught up in that.

It wasn't long before a report came in that disaster had struck.

Long story short,

they (all of them) saw the people and the fences and the pumpkins etc and set to work.

It was a mad dash and a fiasco.

We had a decapitation and an amputation before you could say "ACHOO!"

Granddaddy was the one who always fixed our disasters.

He had super glue and all kinds of tools to hold them together while they were drying.

I didn't get upset because that's not something Grammies do.

Our scene will be missing a few "trick or treaters" this year.

So what?

The hutch still looks festive and I can't believe how creative they are.

😍

 

my computer ~ lifeline

This is where I write my blog,

store my pictures,

check the news,

check the weather;

e-mail with friends,

shop on Amazon prime.

My computer is very important in this new widow's life.

Last week it started to do odd things.

Strange things.

Things that it's never done before.

An aside...

this picture is from 2018.

I can't bear to change it because it is the only somewhat current picture I have of all of us together.

Anyway,

last Wednesday the picture went away.

It was replaced by a black screen with a "Welcome to Skype" sign.

I never use Skype.

Every site became "slower than Christmas."

An aside,

my computer is always super fast.

So, 

Friday morning when I turned it on,

all I had was a black screen.

Nothing,

No news or pictures or weather or mail...

Nothing.

 As all computer dummies (me) do,

I texted my computer genius.

Everyone needs a computer genius in their contact list.

He works on my machine remotely.

Perfect for me and him too.

He started working on it immediately and I went on with my day.

By Friday night it was still updating or whatever it does,

I can watch it happening.

I texted him and asked if I could turn it off as it resides in my bedroom.

He said, "No, that wouldn't be a good idea."

And then he texted the dreaded words...

"THIS IS NOT NORMAL!"

No computer takes that long to update.

Not being able to contribute anything else to the problem and not panicking,

 I wrapped it in Bubba's dark blue army blanket and took myself to bed.

All I could think of was another huge expense,

or worse, that my blog and pictures and contacts etc would be lost forever.

Saturday morning it was still updating.

I fully expected bad news.

But, thankfully he worked his magic and got it fixed.

It's running like a charm again.

He really is a genius!

After all the money I've spent to get my teeth and my car fixed,

I am happy not to have to buy a new computer.

I haven't gotten the repair bill yet.

For as long as it took to fix it,I may could have bought a new one.

YIKES!

Ya'll, I'm learning how to take care of things.

I'm getting things done!

This is long, Sorry!

 

sweet drawing

Since Bubba died, my grandchildren have been faithful 

to save me a seat in church every Sunday.

 (Families sit together on their own row now because of Covid 19.

We must be socially distanced from other families.)

This act of kindness is very special to me.

They can't have their Grammy sitting alone you know.

Usually, I sit between Gus and Walter.

This morning Walter, who is five, drew me a picture.

The math is a little off,

but here we are sitting together with a wide variety of hairdos

listening to David preach from the gospel of John.

Notice the people start out large and grow smaller except for David who is gigantic.

I love children's drawings! ❤️

I could write a book!

Last night we gathered for our Saturday evening feast.

Grammy cooks big and they all come eat and enjoy.

This time the menu consisted of...

Marinated Pork Loins,

Green Beans,

Corn-on-the-Cob,

Red Rice, 

Honey Corn Bread,

&

Cathy's Famous Chocolate Surprise.

Bubba would be so proud that I have been able to keep this tradition going.

I love to cook! ❤️

I love that the grandkids love to eat what I fix. ❤️

David and Erika love it too.

They get to take home all of the leftovers.

Two more things happened this weekend that I want to write about,

but I will save them for later posts.

I must get outside and work in the yard as they pick up debris on Monday.

I am memorizing this Bible verse for our Ladies Bible study on Tuesday.

"Unless the Lord builds the house,

they labor in vain who build it.

Unless the Lord guards the city,

the watchman keeps watch in vain."

Psalm 127:1

There!

I wrote it by memory.

This 72-year-old brain is still working well.

That is an amazing gift and blessing from the Lord.

constant & unconditional love

We were in Puerto Rico two weeks before Bubba died.

We had no idea what was coming.

Bubba stayed on the ship while we toured a fort in Old San Juan.

He said he didn't want to slow us down.

It was my birthday.

It was a magical, glorious day.

Two weeks later we were brought to the "Valley of the Shadow of Death."

That was my first time to know true despair.

Death came out of the blue.

I look back in horror, even today, seven months later, at what we went through.

I say all of that to say this...

David and Amanda have been by my side constantly.

They have loved me through every day and night.

Just in the past week, they have given of themselves to get me through a hard time.

They gave me wisdom and support to make a tough decision.

They listened when I needed to talk.

There was no condemnation,

only encouragement.

They have shown unconditional love when we didn't always agree...

when I was profoundly unlovable.

They loved me with the love of Jesus Christ.

Erika, Mark, Lucy, Harry, Gus, Archie, Walt, Jake, and Eli 

have all been with me through the sadness and sorrow while experiencing it themselves.

I love these people with a fierce love!

💔

************

I was driving into town this morning listening to a sermon...

going to get my two crowns set by the dentist,

waiting for a train to pass.

This verse was brought to my mind.

"Man looks at the outward appearance

but God looks at the heart."

I Samuel 16:7

When God looks in my heart He sees not my sin and the evil that lurks there.

No, He sees what Christ has done.

When God looks at my heart,

 He sees the blood of  Jesus Christ.

The blood that Jesus shed for all of us on the cross.

The blood that has forgiven all my sins and made me perfectly righteous.

The blood that reconciled me to a right relationship with my God.

I can't stop sharing this good news.

Jesus died for all of us.

His free gift of salvation and eternal life is for everybody.

We are made right only by the blood of Christ. 

Simple faith!